The First Hello in 2018

3:50 PM

Hello, 

 Time flies so fast, isn't it?

 How are you people? I hope all of you have the greatest day of your life everyday and be grateful for the time that you have until now.

 It's been a while since I posted something here. I would like to say sorry because I haven't update any post regarding some issues with myself. 

 The beginning of 2018,
for me,
it knocks me down to the lowest point of my life,
but it also gives me the meaning of keep going forward.

 Maybe I will share some of my thought here.
I have too much thought in my head it becomes a burden for me the past few months.
I think through writing, it helps me express what  I feel, not being dramatic but this is how I cope with it, I hope you all understand.

  I don't know when the time that I am ready to come up again completely as a normal me but for a while I just wanna be around my closest friends or going to a coffee shop alone or just simply curled inside my blanket while listening to Cigarettes After Sex-Lana Del Rey-Billie Eilish-Sleeping at Last-Wetter-Seafret. 

 There's nothing to worry about, really. I am still me as usual when you meet me in person or when you phone call and chat me.

 I really want to update my blog as soon as possible just not ready yet but look forward to update it soon. 
xoxo 

Jakarta, 27 April 2018





Wrong Time

8:47 PM


We met at the wrong time
Such an irony, isn't it?
Where we could have been together 
But the time doesn't allow us to unite
in this moment.

Maybe, one day years from now
We will meet again 
In a coffee shop
or 
In somewhere far away place
We could not expect
And maybe,
We could give it another chance.


Jakarta, 06 August 2017




I.The Circus Show

2:13 PM



"I remember when you first noticed me.
 We were in the circus show
 We barely know each other yet you came to me
 Wrote me a note said that I have the nicest smile that you have ever seen."

I think that was the time where both of us made our first conversation.
I've seen you quite sometimes in that place, seems like you already became the regular audience in my circus show.
I've been wondering why a person like you would come to a place where all the freaks get together.
That was all the beginning, the time where everything is not as complicated as now.

You might all wonder who's this stranger so please let me begin this story by describing him first and how I feel about him.

When his eyes met mine for that small second, I got lost.
I got lost in his deep gaze.
He had the type of eyes that could hold the ocean.
So deep, that I could drown myself and be the part of the riptide.

When he gave me that quirky smile of him, it's so radiant.
He wore the sunshine like a halo all over him.
He brightened up my day
and made me crave the warmth which spills out of his lips when he smiled.

I barely see he laughed, he was simply a mystery.
His emotions were too.
You couldn't figure him out how hard you try.
It's almost like he was the moon, there's always a part of him that hidden away.

He was so indecipherable.
No matter how much you tried to understand the complexity in him
and the enigma of his actions
you never succeed.
I, myself, forever float in his infinity abyss unknowing of what I am about to face next.
But I couldn't deny that I liked it, a lot.

The day he came to the circus show, somehow he took the center attention.
People inside the show have been intrigued by the question of "Who is he?" and so do I.

I saw him walking right through me.
He was in an armor with pride.
His sword forged from a steel called misery.
Time after time he fought,
It looks like demons, monster, and creatures has been conquered by him.

That's what all I see in him when he came. Then, I asked him, "Who are you, such a stranger come to this place where happiness and laughter are the masks of despair that everyone uses."

It took a while for him to answer my question. He just stare at me deeply and said, "I am the Knight."



Tebet, 23 July 2017






Rest Well, Dear

9:15 AM






Rest your exhausted mind on my shoulders.
Rest your heavy world in my arms.
Let me be the one to keep it.
For I will bear it all for you.
Smile for me, dear
Take off all the burden in your body.
Be rest assured, love
For you will always have me. 

Tebet, 06 July 2017

Please, hold on.

1:09 AM


He's standing in the corner of the room
Wearing that black jacket made of gloom
Always thinking that his life is full of doom
Wondering what if he ends it at the gun room?

Not far from where he stands, there's a girl
Who's looking at him behind those books 
Always thinking that he makes her life full of light
Hoping that she can see him every day,

"Please, hold a little bit longer," She said.

Tebet,  02 July 2017

Sorrow

5:15 AM


Because you are yellow
You taste like marshmallow
Yesterday we made a vow
But we can't go for tomorrow
Because I am a sorrow
Cikarang, 25 February 2017

Look What You've Done to Me

8:31 AM





Aku tidak pernah membayangkan kalau pada akhirnya aku akan terhempas jatuh sejauh ini, dalam sekali hingga tidak ada setitik cahaya yang dapat kulihat. Kupikir aku sudah ada di posisi yang benar. Kupikir usahaku sudah cukup untuk membuatmu bersamaku. Ternyata aku salah, aku terlalu cepat menyerah walaupun aku sebenarnya masih ingin memperjuangkan kamu. Tapi apa gunanya jika yang berjuang hanya dari satu sisi, kan? 

Kurasa tugasku untuk mennyukaimu sudah cukup sampai disini. Bukannya karena aku yang mau, tapi aku terpaksa harus berhenti. Karena kamu yang sengaja mengakhirinya, kan? 

Ternyata selama ini aku salah menafsirkan tindakan dan kata-katamu. Seandainya aku bisa melihat mata mu dan membaca semua isi otakmu itu, pasti sekarang aku tidak harus mendengarkan musik patah hati setiap malam sembari melihat chat-chat kita sebulan sebelumnya. Saat pertama kali kita bertemu.

Kamu seorang pembohong ulung, kurasa. Kamu bisa membaca situasi dan mencari kesempatan untuk menjadikan aku korbanmu selanjutnya, Entah apa yang terjadi padaku saat itu, tapi aku berhasil masuk perangkapmu. Seandainya aku cukup mengerti, aku tidak akan membuat pertemuan kita sebagai sesuatu yang spesial atau sebagai sesuatu yang memang semesta sengaja mempertemukan kita dengan keajaibannya dan semacamnya. Seandainya saat itu aku tidak terburu-buru mengartikan tingkah mu yang selalu perhatian dan ucapanmu yang terlihat menjajikan seakan penuh cinta, pasti malam ini aku sedang berada diluar sana bersama teman-temannku. Tapi sayangnya aku memilih berdiam diri di kamarku, mencari puluhan puisi yang sesuai dengan perasaanku.

Bukankah setiap orang yang jatuh cinta pasti merasa bahagia dengan sekecil apapun hal yang dilakukan oleh orang yang disukainya? Aku pun seperti itu. Dengan kau mengajakku pergi karena kau bosan di rumah dan kita berkeliling selama satu jam tanpa arah tujuan atau saat kamu membawakanku sop iga sapi favoritku saat aku sedang flu hari itu atau saat kamu memelukku ketika aku menangis karena melihat seekor kucing yang tertabrak di pinggir jalan malam itu. Aku menyukaimu. sangat menyukaimu sampai aku tidak mengerti dimana kesalahanku sehingga kau berhenti memilihku. Berhenti bersikap perhatian kepadaku. Berhenti berjuang bersamaku hingga hanya aku yang tersisa sendiri. Aku sudah berusaha semampuku tapi tidak ada yang bisa kulakukan. Dimana perasaanmu yang dulu itu ? 

Seandainya aku tidak terlalu menggrubismu pas pertama kali kita berkenalan di bis saat itu. Seandainya aku tidak terlalu merespons semua chat dan ajakan mu untuk bertemu denganku bulan itu. Seandainya aku tidak harus memikirkanmu sedetail itu, aku tidak perlu membuat hatiku berkerja lebih keras menyembuhkan lukanya. Sayangnya, otak ku terlalu penasaran dan keingintahuanku lebih besar untuk mengenalmu lebih jauh. Jika dari awal aku tidak mengenalmu, aku tak perlu menumpahkan air mata ini di wajahku. Pasti sekarang kau sedang tertawa puas, kan?

Pada akhirnya, masing-masing dari kita telah memilih jalannya sendiri. Kamu, dengan pilihanmu kembali bersama dia, seorang perempuan yang memang sudah ada di hidupmu sebelumnya, Melanjutkan bab selanjutnya kisah cintamu dengan dia yang sempat terhenti karena aku (mungkin), dan aku disini dengan pilihanku dimana aku terpaksa menyerah dan membiarkan rasa suka ini terhempas jauh di dalam tempat tergelap layaknya lubang hitam di semesta hingga pada akhirnya aku perlahan-lahan melupakanmu dan saat kita bertemu suatu hari nanti, yang kita lakukan tidak lebih dari saling mengucap "hai" satu sama lain dan pada saat itu, aku melihatmu tidak lebih dari seseorang yang kutau hanya namanya saja. 

Banjarbaru, 29 Desember 2016