I'm not a fool, but I trust you very much

10:32 AM



I was that kind of girl who trust people easily
So that when you said you liked me a lot
I believed
I was that kind of girl who trust people easily
So that when you said we were meant to be together
I believed
I was that kind of girl who trust people easily
So that when you said i was not good for you
I believed.
I was that kind of girl who trust people easily
So that when you said you wanted to go for a while
I believed

But you never came back
I am wandering where have you been
like a fool 
waiting for you
still, there is no sign of you
Then I think
It’s time for me to stop,

Believing.


Cikarang, 17 December 2016

Untuk kamu, yang dekat tapi terasa jauh.

6:33 AM


Kamu adalah sebuah kebahagian. Bertemu denganmu adalah hal terbaik di penghujung tahun ini. Walaupun aku tau, kamu tidak pernah menjanjikan "bersama" untuk kita. Tapi itu tak apa.
Kamu adalah sebuah keramaian. Disaat pikiranku kosong seperti kota mati, disitu kamu datang. Membuat pikiranku seperti lalu lintas yang padat. Walaupun aku tau, di pikiranmu tidak pernah ada aku. Tapi itu tak apa.
Apakah kamu tau yang aku inginkan? Aku ingin menemani bayangan kosongmu disaat kau sendiri atau sekedar menjadi sesuatu yang kau cari disaat duniamu bisu tak bersuara. 
Apakah kamu tau jika aku lupa bagaimana rasanya bersedih disampingmu? Aku lupa apa itu kehilangan. Karena bagiku saat ada di dekatmu kita seakan membunuh waktu bersama.
Dan apakah kamu tau bahwa seharusnya dari awal, aku bisa belajar untuk tidak berharap, ya berharap lebih kepadamu. Berharap jika kamu mempunyai rasa yang sama seperti aku ke kamu.

Sayang, sudah terlambat untuk membuatnya seperti tidak ada apa-apa. Kita selalu berjalan bersama berdampingan, tapi untuk alasan yang berbeda. Tapi itu tak apa. 



Cikarang, 16 Desember 2016

.


Now that I realize...

11:05 AM


Isn't it funny how a stranger you met online knows about your hidden dream is to travel all around the world with the one you love, but your parents don't.

Isn't it funny how your ex-boyfriend knew everything about you, that your favorite color is blue, like the blue in the sky and ocean. Your favorite movies are Sherlock Holmes and Harry Potter. Your deepest fears is losing someone you love and that's what makes you never attached to people, because you afraid of losing them. Your favorite place in the earth is a beach with the beautiful sunset, but your parents don't.

Isn't it funny how you can talk to your best friend 24/7 and share everything that you think of. From the books that you like so much, tv-shows that you watched together, about how you love your clothes and adore people who are kind. About the music that you like and how much you love the 1975 and Two Door Cinema Club. But as soon as you start telling something to your parents, their ignorance make you stop talking.

Isn't it funny how you can live with someone in the same house for 20 years and yet not know their favorite food.

Isn't it funny how your haters know what type of shoes that you are wearing and who is the person that you like, but your parents don't.

Isn't it funny how they know only your name and age and nothing else.

Actually,
It's not funny at all.
Cikarang, 13 December 2016

This is a Warning

3:30 AM




“But, I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
-
“No. Don’t fall in love with me, stop.  I’m not good for you. Yes, I will let you fall in love with me at first but I will not fall in love with you, even though I’ll try but it’s not enough. I’ll act like I love you, tell you I love you, let you meet all my friends, hang out with them. I’ll help you in your bad days, make you laugh and being your companion every time you need me and I’ll be there for the good ones. I’ll do everything what a girlfriend does, being clingy to you sometimes,  make you confuse when I tell you ‘it’s okay’ or ‘don’t worry’, and last, breaking your heart. The last point is what makes me difference from other girlfriend. I’m the one that will break your heart. It’s what I do so please don’t fall in love with me."
-
“I don’t care. It’s too late for you to tell me that. I’d rather be shattered by your love than live a life without feeling it.”
-
“ I try to warn you."
Cikarang, 11 Desember 2016

2.15 a.m

1:10 AM

2.15 a.m.

sitting alone

silently

in the darkness

writing, and

wishing

for you,

while you sleep

in your bed

far from here,

dreaming about somebody else.
Cikarang, 9 Desember 2016

16 Juli

8:39 PM

“Aku berhasil melewati 16 Juli yang lainnya.” Aku mengirimmu sebuah pesan dari kamarku. Sekarang jam menunjukkan 12.02 dini hari. Sudah lewat 2 menit dari tanggal 16.

“Aku tidak pernah berfikir aku akan berhasil melewatinya sejauh ini.” aku mengirim pesan lagi kepadamu, untuk memperjelas agar kau paham.

“Aku masih ingat darah menetes kebawah dari tempat tidurku, membuat lantai kamarku menjadi merah.” Jariku sampai bergetar saat mengetik pesan ini, kau tau.

“Aku tidak pernah berfikir aku akan melihat hari ini, tidak pernah berfikir aku akan berhasil melewati malam tadi.” Sekali lagi ku kirim pesan kepadamu, ingin kutunjukkan bagaimana aku bisa berhasil sampai sejauh ini.

“Lukanya masih sakit, rasanya seperti jahitan itu masih disini.” Aku menatap layar handphone dan terdiam kaku.

Setelah itu kutaruh handphone ku di samping bantal dan kucoba memejamkan mata untuk malam ini.

Dan kamu tidak pernah  membalas pesanku, tapi itu tidak apa-apa bagiku.


Aku berhasil melewati 16 juli yang lainnya.
Cikarang, 7 Desember 2016.




Matamu

10:37 AM

Matamu adalah sebuah lautan
Luas seluas cakrawala
Sedalam gelapnya malam
             Sekalian taburan bintang-bintang 
Menghias indahnya
Serupa langit hamparan
              Disana tumbuh bermacam harapan
        Disana berenang jutaan impian
Mungkin saja kau tidak ingat
Sesosok diri manusia telah masuk kesana

             Dan tak pernah lagi ingin kembali.

Cikarang, 6 Desember 2016